still waiting for it to kick in….

no not the acid I dropped back in ’87, the maternal in me. see growing up I always said I didn’t want children, wouldn’t have any, wasn’t interested. and I remember having a conversation, somewhere in my thirties, with my mother about my “clock” that didn’t seem to be wound correctly as there was no tick toc on my radar. mum assured me that when I met the right fella and was in a relationship things would change…it really didn’t. I never had that urge to have a baby, that crazy desire that absolutely drives women insane every month as they will their period not to come…don’t get me wrong I have ALWAYS willed my period not to come but for an entirely different reason than the baby mad girls out there. anyhoo you may be reading this the wrong way – as in I didn’t want to have children – and this is not true. I just didn’t have the whatever it is that makes women want it to happen so bad they go spare. I was more an if it happens, it happens kind of person….it’s probably easier to deal with the disappointment of failure that way. anyway along the way I did manage a few pregnancies and lo and behold now we have K Dogg who from now on will be referred to as Little Boss cause at only 19 weeks old she rules the roost. so the one thing I have noticed about myself that makes me feel a bit like a freak is the female traits I distinctly lack. at my baby shower there were ooohhhhs and ahhhhhs and awwwww soooooo cuuuutes flying around all over the place and I was in a very uncomfortable space. I even felt awkward opening the gifts in front of everyone. turns out I am a bit of a weirdo…yesterday Little Boss and I went to our weekly active parenting class and since we were experiencing the joys of a wonder week for last weeks session this week was our first time. so of course everyone else in the class already know each other and as I wheeled Little Boss into the room I realised that none of the other babies were in their swim gear, just regular clothes rolling around on play mats on the floor…so all the ladies are looking at me and I say “hi everyone, I’m Mika and this is Kenzi” and I get back one random and not enthusiastic “hi”…this is gonna be a tough seven weeks. so I park myself next to a lady and her little girl and I fish out something that looks kind of play mat like, but not really, out of the bag and I lay Little Boss on it to check out all the other babies – she was probably thinking “thanks for putting me in my bathers mum, everyone else is just dressed normally” I really hope the need to conform doesn’t start this early though. so I try to strike up a conversation with the bird next door and she is very quiet but I know her name and her baby’s name and age – the end. I am listening to the other women and they are all talking about foods they have tried and how apples don’t go far and how much pureed fruit does one of those frozen cube thingys hold…Little Boss is still a formula only baby and will probably stay that wy until she gets closer to six months so I was just doing the nod and smile but it was a bit like an out-of-body experience. I just can’t see myself having those conversations cause what they eat is just that, if apples don’t go far – dont do apples and the cube thingy hold what it holds – measure it before you put it in the freezer. anyways so the class fills up and we have to go round the room and introduce ourselves, our baby, say how old our baby is and say what the best thing about having a baby is….so if you have ever seen sandra bullock play the undercover pageant queen and when asked what she would like to see changed says “harsher penalties for parole violators Stan” and then when she see’s the reaction follows up with “and world peace” that’s how I felt but I didn’t get to do the follow-up bit, mine went like this….”hi everyone, I am Mika and this is Kenzi and she is four months old and for me there are so many great things about having a baby but I guess the best is learning to be truly selfless” now I wish I could have added “and her cute little giggles” onto the end cause that would have made it less awkward but there was no time. the other responses were giggles, smiles, when she learns something new, her cute little toes, when he got his first tooth etc etc you get the picture. I was waaaaayyyyyyy off with my comment. see there is something just not there with me. oh well, fake it til you make it I say. and in all honesty if the conversation calls for pondering the stewing resilience of fruit, I can do that. it’s a little out of my normal comfort zone for topics but if I want Little Boss to socialize with other babies I can certainly mix it with the other mum’s. Little Boss had a great time. we got home and at 3.30pm she went to sleep and at 8pm I had to wake her for a feed – this hasn’t happened for about two months – then she went straight back to sleep and woke up at 3.30am for another feed then back to sleep til 7.30am. then after some more food I put her on her stomach for some exercise and she may have learned something from her observations the previous day because she pushed herself up and then rolled over for the first time – if I had a camera for her face it would have been priceless. she was stunned and looked at me with a bewildered “what the hell just happened” look on her face. so next week if we have to answer a question about being a mum or having a baby my answer will be a whole lot simpler than this weeks effort…