hilarity and halitosis….

how is it that people with stink breath don’t smell it? or, if they have friends, dont at least know about it. the same goes for body odour…how do you not smell your pits and know that you stink? i know, another high brow topic from me but seriously last night my besty and I went to see Judith Lucy and it was a great show – as expected – mind you I could listen to her read a chinese menu and find it hilarious, it’s just her tone. anyhoo a trio of nerds arrived and sat next to my besty – well one of them almost sat on her – they were all wearing clothing that gave the impression that it was snowing outside so of course that had to be removed and there is no real efficient way to remove an overly padded too small for you jacket while sitting in a seat designed for someone with a smaller arse so nerd number one got a bit closer to my besty than she would have liked…that wasnt when she picked it up though…it started as soon as Judith Lucy cracked the stage with dancing that would put Ellen to shame…and nerd number one laughed. and not just a giggle, he had a big breathy ha ha ha ha laugh. I got it to but I wasn’t quite sure what it was or where it came from – I havent been out for a while. after about ten minutes of laughter and fun times I looked over at my besty and she was covering her nose with her scarf. I asked her if she was ok and her one word, one point response was “halitosis”. it was so bad. surely this dudes mates could smell it and if they were real mates they would say something or at the very least offer him some gum. I know that if I stank I would want to be told – hey sista you pong – or something similar. I think I am a little obsessed with the bodies excretions. so far barrybadger has covered off poo, wee, breast milk, farts, bad breath and body odour. I think this started when I was a lot younger and my brother and I were still living at home – so a long time ago – and we would share our bodies odours in only the way kids can…we would “cupcake” each other with farts…if you don’t know what a cupcake is you will have to ask around cause writing on this post is going to make it even more low brow that it already is. we would also “bed breath” each other. this I will explain…first thing in the morning your breath offers its most pungent aroma so whoever was awake first out of my brother and I would run into the other persons room, jump on the bed and exhale with some force over the nose of the sleeping person. what a way to start the day – hey? the very sad part about cupcaking and bed breathing is that we weren’t all that young and we still find it funny. even more hilarious is when we find it funny and other people find it disgusting – that makes it even more funny, but maybe that just me – probably – but my dad still does the “pull my finger” prior to letting one rip so maybe its genetic…I know it’s not dinner party conversation and there are potentially more interesting/important/sophisticated topics I could introduce to barrybadger but since it’s my blog and I get to control the content, today it’s about stinky breath. tomorrow it might be about asylum seekers or federal versus state contributions to the NDIS but I doubt it. it’s the every day that I find amusing and will continue to write about. the one thing I may cover on asylum seekers is the impact it must be having on the very idyllic Christmas Island, but that can wait for another day….

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the five p’s…

prior planning prevents poor performance….yep it sure does. so over the past week I have let the stock of available healthy food dwindle and my daily diet has consisted of toast with either vegemite (okay) or lemon curd (pure sugar), leftover chocolate cake from scott’s birthday lunch, cadbury’s and tea – tetley’s, peppermint and raspberry leaf…not in the same cup. and in the last week we have noticed a massive shift in the sleeping habits of our little princess or, more accurately, non sleeping habits. turns out a diet high in sugar and caffeine = grumpy, unable to sleep baby. who would have thought, hey? but seriously if I can’t even manage a shower until the afternoon what are my chances of preparing healthy meals…that has been my defence for my crap consumption and after a week of very little sleep and a baby girl who has struggled to get more than a few hours sleep a day I have realised that I need to get my 5 P’s in order and start looking after us. the irony is that I actually don’t enjoy chocolate or cake and would much prefer a healthier option which takes time and effort two things I am a little short on at the moment. time to pull my finger out I think. so I have restocked and yesterday I only had one cup of caffeine, no chocolate and fish rice and veges for dinner and today miss kenzi has had a great sleep…I have started my bid for mother of the year off with a bang. I wonder if the change for the good in my diet will mean kenzi will stop mumbling like yoda in her sleep….

so kenzi has had a heat rash on her face for the past couple of days due to my over zealous dressing and wrapping techniques…of course I went to the only doctor you can get into, Dr Google, to see what treatment I could use to help get rid of it…what I found was advice ranging from steroid creams to bicarb soda and everything in between. the one post that I did find interesting was one womans suggestion to express a little breastmilk and use a cotton ball to put this onto the rash once a day….is breastmilk the new windex? cracked nipples? breastmilk. heat rash? breastmilk. what I actually opted for was keeping her in cotton and not overheating and it is clearing up…who would have thought?? the revelations I am having at the moment are incredible…

not long til the opening ceremony, very exciting, oh how life has changed…

random ramblings….

lack of sleep in the past 24 hours has scrambled my brain so I now have a mish mash of thoughts I want to put on barrybadger but stringing them together into some sort of reader friendly order may be a little tough…

back when I was pregnant and visiting willy wonka on a fortnightly basis his midwife and I were discussing some of my concerns about how I would cope with my change in role, from full-time employee to full-time mother. I had already commenced parental leave and was struggling to cope with the boredom of being at home all day with not much but mr rooben and barrybadger for company. willy wonkas midwife laughed when I told her this and she said – as did most people I told – that would all change soon enough. her actual words were “when women of your age, who have worked for so long, have a baby you will really struggle to understand how something so small can absorb so much of your time and before you realise it will be 2pm and you will still be in your PJs'” not sure what my age has to do with it – pretty sure women much younger than me are still kickin it in their PJs’ much later than 2pm but anyhoo. at the time I didn’t scoff outwardly at her remarks, but inside I was thinking – whatever honey I am going to have a routine and this baby will be working in with me…so fast forward to today. I tried, unsuccessfully, to have a shower from about 10.30am until 1pm. I had hoped to tidy the kitchen, do some washing, fold up the clothes and organise my work desk…what I actually accomplished was a shower. I ate my cereal while expressing a feed and once that was done went back to feeding our girl on demand. so I am glad I didn’t scoff outwardly at any of the people who had told me how my life would be once I returned home with the prize because they were all correct. and, like me, they probably all had the same thoughts before they bought their prize home to…I bloody hope so anyway.

now as gross as this next admission may seem to some people it has to be said, we have magazines in our toilet. not because we can’t afford toilet paper, no. sometimes it takes a while to do your business and having something to look at helps pass the time. anyway at the moment one of these magazines has quite a bit of advertising for cosmetics and I find it amusing that the advertisement is clearly aimed at those of us with “tired” complexions yet the model is an overly airbrushed teenager. this got me thinking about a disclaimer that they should put on the ads that says “actual results may vary” or “if you didn’t look this good prior to using this product, chances are you never will” about 30 years ago body sprays entered the market and one of the ads claimed that if you wore impulse body spray someone would give you flowers….I wrote to this company – yes a real letter – and said I had been wearing impulse – take the shame! – and that I still had not been given any flowers…a couple of weeks later I received a small bunch of fake flowers in the mail, and some free impulse. cute, but costly, and if they had added a disclaimer to the advert they could have given my smart arse teenage ramblings the attention they truly deserved. now don’t judge me for admitting to having magazines in the toilet. if people didn’t want something to read while doing their business there would be no point in dunny door graffiti and the conads company would be out of business – that’s the mob that put the ads on the toilet door to sell you something while you wee.

oh my god I am so excited for the olympics to start…

key learnings so far…

alrighty then…so it’s three weeks into our parenthood journey and we have already experienced some key learnings that the google didn’t warn us about.

the press studs on baby clothing are very strong and difficult to fasten and undo, not to mention that when you have your screaming newborn on the change table she wont just lay there with her legs straight out waiting for you to undo her overly studded onesie, change her nappy and then hopefully get all the little press studs to align while putting the very cute, but difficult, garment back on. no, no you must do this while the screaming bundle of joy kicks her legs in a jerky out of control fashion and you consequently end up with a lopsided, one leg shorter than the other creation and at 1.30am you figure who cares? she will need changing again in two hours so you can fix it then. I will keep this challenge in mind when purchasing any clothing for her in future.

a lot of baby “stuff” comes with velcro as a fastener and the only thing I know of that comes in an adult size with velcro are boardshorts so taking this new material into consideration while doing the laundry didn’t enter my thoughts…I just chucked all the baby stuff in the washer and an hour later I was standing at the clothesline trying to untangle the ball of onesies, singlets and bibs that had formed due to my failure to understand the power of velcro…NASA use it on space shuttles – hello…so the learning here is fasten all velcro prior to washing, cause hanging everything in one big ball takes ages to dry…

all new babies do is eat, sleep and poo – yes it would appear that this is correct. however it’s the frequency of the eating, sleeping and pooing that can come as a shock. yesterday I may as well have walked around with my tits to the wind all day and night to accommodate the feeding schedule of kenzi. I tried to leave the house to get some groceries and after three attempts finally got to dash out and take a spin round woolies – otherwise we would have continued the cheese on toast diet…

I need to express any supplementary feeds in the morning…by the time the afternoon hits I could sit with the breast pump sucking away for hours and get a disappointing 20-50ml which at 3am doesn’t really cut the mustard.

have a shower and get dressed early in the day…while my pre baby idea of a relaxing day in during cold weather would have involved hanging out in my pyjamas all day, now it feels strangely demotivating so getting in the shower early in the day says get off your arse and do something sista!

these are just a few of the learnings I have had over the past three weeks. the other thing I have is a renewed respect for woman who have multiple births or children born close together. my besty had her two eldest at 11 months apart and I take my hat off to her.

I am certain that the learning curve will continue to increase as I get closer to a time that will see me back behind the wheel and resuming some exercise…I may end up doing my workouts at 1am…could be interesting…

three weeks in…

today our baby girl hit the ripe age of three weeks…and I am ever hopeful that next week when we take her to her next weigh in she has put on some more grams. it seems that everything that has gone in over the past three weeks has very quickly changed colour and come straight out the other end so I can’t see how she is meant to put on much weight if the milk doesn’t hang in there long enough for her to get any nutrients from it. I love talking about poo. inevitably a conversation will always end up in me discussing bowel movements in some way. I don’t know what it is, could be my lack of “highbrow” topics or that I didn’t find out about the 50 shades of grey phenomena til my mum told me how disturbing she found it, I just find it fun to talk about the less than savoury topic of toilet happenings. I still think farts are hilarious and when people get disgusted by farts that makes me laugh even more. the body is an amazing wonder and I am constantly impressed by what we can put our bodies through and  it will still keep on trucking – so I have the utmost respect for my body, even though I may not have treated it very respectful over the years I am still very thankful that it continues to perform well day after day. seriously though how cool are some of the noises our bodies can produce? that’s why I think farts are funny. the noise is just a fun thing to have a giggle over, sometimes a little squeak, other times a big bugle and every pump in between and all made by the pressure of you pushing air out of a muscle – yes that’s right you do it – it doesn’t just happen by itself. my grandmother, bless her, always maintained that she never “passed wind” cause it wasnt lady like. I argued that she had to because it had to come out whether she wanted to acknowledge it or not she farted like the rest of us….she was mortified that I would even imply that she would do such a thing, it was disgusting. anyhoo she actually lived with us so one day she was down at the clothes line hanging out the washing and she was letting them rip something awful – I was surprised she didn’t just bring the sheets straight back inside and fold them up it was that windy down there – me being 17 and not really understanding the whole “lady like” thing gave it to her teenage style like “busted grandma!! you do fart I just heard you letting one rip bwahahahaha” I am sure as I ran off to tell my brother she called me a little bitch under her breath and really she was right. what a terrible thing to do to a lady. but funny. we used to give her so much stick…when we moved to western australia my dad had told her that you can actually see the splash the sun makes as it sets into the ocean. so we took some chardy down to the waterfront in freo and got our fish and chips and settled in to watch “the splash” right on the vinegar stroke my dad distracted her so she missed it. ohhh she was bitterly disappointed and said “well looks like we’ll have to come down another time”. We fed her octopus and told her it was lobster legs, when the plane was cruising above the clouds and she thought we had stopped mid-air we told her we were refuelling mid-flight. she was just a delight to have around and when I think back on the time that she did live with us it was difficult – as it always is when you have someone enter your family unit unexpectedly – but it was worth it just to see how much she loved being around us even if we did play tricks on her and tell her big porky’s every other day…..

should they stay, or should they go….

when I met my husband I was working in sales at a health club, living on my own and working out every morning and every evening after work. I lived on a diet that went oats and egg whites, chicken and sweet potato, tuna and rice, chicken and green vege, white fish and steamed green vege almost every day and chuck in a post workout protein shake for good measure. the living alone part worked at the time because a regime like this is quite hard to stick to with the influence of others who may not share your dedication to monotony and tasteless food. it was a means to an end and I was trying to lose body fat and build lean muscle so a diet high in protein and low in carbs was necessary – and it worked. like a biggest loser contestant I went from 97kg and size 18 to 80kg and size 10/12 in under three months. yes at 80kg I was in a size 10/12 jeans even though to some people weighing 80kg would be massive I was mostly muscle so while my BMI still said I was obese I was far from it – I don’t value the BMI scale as a measure of health anymore. anyhoo almost as soon as I stopped working at the health club my workout regularity dropped as did my adherence to the strict diet. I started working for a steel company on shift and had access to as many lunch bars as I liked, and I liked – a lot. so my jeans that I was wearing in sizes 10,11 and 12 were packed away and replaced by 14 then 16 and eventually 18, again. funnily enough the only ones that ever get donated to good sams are the 18’s and I have probably spent more time in them over the past 6 years than any of the others. so part of my weeks work has been to sort through the many piles of un used clothing that is taking up wardrobe space throughout the house and I now have a dining table piled high with a variety of tops and bottoms ranging in sizes from 10 to 16 and I haven’t attempted to go through it yet because I have to either fully commit to getting back into some if it OR get my head around not trying to get into it, find a size or weight that I am happy to be and keep that size and donate the rest. ooooohhhhhh what a treat tomorrow will be. I just can’t bring myself to throw some of the denim out – and there is alot of denim, it’s like my uniform, I love it. but seriously a size 10? I looked like a racing greyhound back then, all ribs and hips and not much in between – despite people telling me how fantastic I looked. so I think its safe to say that the size 10, 11 and 12’s can go and I should start working my way towards the 14’s via the 16’s. due to the fact that I have had my baby girl at such a late stage in my life – in 4 short years I qualify to move into a lifestyle village – I need to make sure I keep myself healthy so that I can be here to see her grow up and hopefully enjoy a family of her own….I might be knocking 70 or more but if I look after myself now I will hopefully still be here and be able to hit the clubs with kenzi for her 30th birthday….ha ha “I say that’s a joke, son”

anyhoo so tomorrows task is to cull the clothes and get ready to set up a $5 stall at the local market when it reopens. friday’s task is to start a new regime of operation stay young and healthy and hopefully in four or so weeks I can get back to doing the sunday runs with the marathon club – no not marathons just 5km, but it’s a start.

where is serving suggestion when you need it…

well so far – and lets face it three weeks in is as good a measure as any – I suck at this stay at home mum gig…I do plan to improve but figuring out where to start is a little perplexing. so I have enlisted the help of my parentals – a bit naughty of me considering that yes I am “in my forties” but age is no barrier to disorganisation and I have that nailed. so the parentals have been at our place two days in a row and I now have clean floors, a repaired recliner and a new shower head. I have also had lunch for those two days as well which has been lovely….up until this point my calorie intake hasn’t been of the most high quality produce and I have found that you can only do so much with white bread and cheese, so when the parentals roll in with fresh rolls and salad and leg ham I am one happy woman. since scotty returned to work this week I need to be able to prepare food for him to take for lunch and smoko so last night we ordered pizza – please dont judge me, I did say it will improve – anyhoo I thought I would do the right thing and get a low carb pizza for scotty….which looked pretty good on the net but when it arrived was pretty mediocre and not well received so this morning it went in the bin. what I didnt realize was that my lovely husband who had cared for our tired but wide awake daughter until 1am, wanted the unattractive low carb pizza for lunch….ahhhh sorry babe you have a ham and cheese sandwich and a yogurt….alot better for you but it does leave you with the feeling like you got your mouth all ready for pizza and now find the prospect of a sarny and yogurt a bit of a let down. so this morning after the first feed of the day – kenzi not me – I set about putting the portugese chicken into the slow cooker only to find the chicken had gone off…can I get anything right at the moment? seems not…so I am determined to cook something other than grilled cheese and decide that the slow cooker can still get a run and after another feed – kenzi again – I put on a tomato and onion sausage caserole. winning…wish I liked sausages…

hope it’s fine tomorrow so kenzi and I can take a walk to the supermarket…

let the games begin…

scotty has returned to work this morning so that leaves me at home with kenzi and Mr Rooben, neither of which say much so barrybadger will probably cop a hammering of posts over the next few days as I attempt to communicate. the past two weeks have been interesting and I have learnt quite a bit about myself and the behaviours I need to try to manage on a daily basis if I am to succeed in my motherhood quest. I have already documented my high anxiety in barrybadger posts gone by and scott and I had already flagged that I would need to be mindful of this when we came home with our ultimate prize otherwise I would probably never sleep again. throughout my pregnancy I managed to avoid the google and all the other advice we can access at the touch of a button as I didn’t want to over think every kick, hiccup and movement or lack thereof. then our bundle arrived and all of a sudden I am reading everything put in front of me and listening to every bit of contradictory advice thrown my way. the midwives in the hospital say wake her up for a feed every two to three hours or she wont get enough, the community nurse says as long as she is doing enough business in her nappies there is no need to wake her she will wake of her own accord and the google supports both arguments and provides vivid descriptions of what can happen if she gets dehydrated….and thats just feeding. I cant help but think that utilising the services of old Dr Spock’s handbook 40 odd years ago may have been a better way to go rather than the over-supply of information we have today. the community nurse left me with enough toilet reading material to last well into my 41st year and the two showbags you get from the hospital have an abundance of suggested necessities that you simply cannot do without. I am struggling to understand why they even bother making clothing other than singlets and onesies in sizes suitable for newborns because they do business that often you just don’t need to add removal of cool looking outfit to your playbook. no sooner have you removed the outfit, changed the stink bum, and put the outfit back on you see what you now recognise as “the poo face” that is quickly followed by the pants rumble and you start it all again. onesie all the way I say…anyhoo the one thing they really don’t prepare you for in any of the conversations with midwives or in the barrage of supplied literature is the potential for you to feel so sad and alone. yes your hormones are going bananas and yes this is the biggest and most important job you will ever do and the enormity of it all can get to you and really when it does it is terrifying and I have had times during the past two weeks when I have wanted to just curl into a ball and be left alone to just cry…so I went for acupuncture on friday and will continue to get treatment until my hormones regain some sort of balance and the fog of depression starts to lift. fortunately for me I have some very amazing people in my life who support me without smothering me, cause that wouldn’t work! we are also very lucky to have a new baby that only wakes once during the night at the moment so both of us are getting a decent amount of sleep….not sure if this trend will continue but I have all fingers crossed that it does.

it has been a relatively heavy post this morning so I will end it on a smile…whoever said only boys are a challenge to change had never met a girl like ours….so far I have been shot by the urine arc of kenzi three times, she is mastering the art of waiting until the nappy comes off, pulling her legs back and shooting me with her wee. lucky for me I am getting used to being wet from most of her bodily fluids and some of my own – loving the leaky boob – so if you see me out and I smell a little like wee, poo or stale milk be sure and let me know – i promise to only be mildly embarrassed and not at all offended!

what a swell party it was…

so it seems like a lifetime ago that I was having a shower in the special antiseptic “body wash” prior to being admitted to hospital for the birth of our daughter…certainly not the way I had hoped this day would play out but in a few short hours we would be introduced to the person who would change life, as we know it, forever. I have to say the staff at the hospital have the process nailed and it’s hard not to feel like you are on a conveyor belt just waiting for the next part of the process to begin…check in, provide a wee sample, change into your gown, meet the anesthetist, have any remaining pubes removed, have a visit by the nurses and so on and so forth. when it becomes very interesting is when we finally get to the “theatre” and it kind of feels like someone has said “number 3 your caesarean section is ready”. to say it was bizarre would be an understatement. the epidural is a procedure I would be in no hurry to repeat ever, the claustrophobia I experienced when they tried to put an oxygen mask on me was intense. willy wonka had asked me if I had any preference for the music played during the procedure and I said I didn’t mind but really it would have been nice to hear david bowie singing is there life on mars as he held our baby girl aloft…surreal. I think it probably felt to scott and I like we had been slapped with wet fish when the gum boot wearing sidekick popped our perfect baby girl on my partially numb chest – we both look a bit like stunned mullets in the pictures now I look back on them. once they have wrapped her up and counted all the instruments to ensure nothing has “gone missing” baby girl and I are wheeled back to our room where I am sure scott can’t wait to change out of his hospital scrubs that kind of made him look a bit like he was in some bad medical porn movie. I cant feel my legs and I have compression tights on and the nurses have also put some wrap thing around my calves which is connected to a pump that will ensure the blood continues to flow through my legs – cheers for that – cause you could remove my legs right about now and I would be none the wiser. as the effects of the epidural wear off the pain begins and whoa nelly that is some serious pain, but I am in hospital and they have some serious pain killers so to be perfectly honest the rest of friday and parts of saturday are moderately blurry and I can remember snippets of midwives coming in to help me breastfeed and to pump me full of drugs. by saturday night I was in a different room and off the medication, thankfully. mind you the nursing staff were still trying to give me painkillers every time they popped in to check my vitals. at one stage a midwife said to me “you don’t have to put up with the pain you know” to which I replied no, but you do usually have to be in pain in the first place…I found it quite amusing that I could have had incredibly strong painkillers on a fairly regular basis but I could only have two panadol once every six hours…in all honesty the most pain I had after the initial shock from the epidural wearing off came from not being able to do a poo. so i ordered prunes for breakfast and they worked like a charm – this is definitely a sharing kind of blog. it was a very strange feeling being in the hospital and I didn’t realise how comforting it was at the time to know that the nurses, midwives and nursery were available at any time. when willy wonka said I could go home on the tuesday instead of the wednesday I was overjoyed but as we loaded our new precious cargo into the car I was overwhelmed with the enormity of the responsibility we now had – not unusual for me, to be overwhelmed that is. it’s time for some acupuncture…