two and a bit versus forty plus….

okay so I have been off the grid for a while which has given me plenty of time to observe the world around me…and by this I mean what occurs under my roof. we have a distinct lack of funds so if it’s happening, it’s happening at home. anyhoo…today I observed one of the most spectacular tantrums to date. there was full body gyrating, tears, snot, head banging, binky throwing…you name it and we had it today. what was I asking that created this hot mess? I wasn’t trying to get little boss to eat brussel sprouts or even brush her teeth…no I was asking her to take a nap. and by the response I got, it was long overdue. so it got me thinking what are some of the behavioural differences between my two-year old and myself and here is the start of my list.

if you told me to take a nap, I wouldn’t even question you. I would slide into the sheets and drift off.

if you cooked my food for me and served it up at the perfect temperature and it was all my “favourites” I would eat it. there is no way I would push it away and say “I don’t like it”. no way, never, ever.

I would never eat ice cream for breakfast. little boss would eat ice cream for breakfast everyday if it were offered. we are fortunate to have a standard fridge/freezer where the freezer is at the top otherwise I am certain that ice cream would be on the menu 24/7.

if I had the option of sitting in the trolley versus walking while doing the grocery shopping I wouldn’t have to think about it for too long.

and my last observation of our recent differences is if I am in pain and am offered medication to “make the pain go away” it could taste like tripe and I would still gobble it up. unfortunately for us our little boss will only consume pain medication if we disguise it in “a special drink” also known as juice. our recent experience with two-year old molars was possibly the toughest test of our parenting journey to date and had us getting very creative with the administering of panadol. many people have recounted times where they held their child down in order for them to take the foul-tasting medicine but I just can’t bring myself to do that so disguise it is. so she has cracked the bottom two molars and it only took two weeks of eyebrow raising behaviour and lots of discussions about our hopes that it wasn’t permanent. two more to come and even the thought of it fills me with dread. for now though, we have our delightful little person back….and as long as we get her to bed before the overtiredness creeps in she is pretty funny to be around….even if “no” is her favourite word and “don’t like ” is her catchcry du jour she is still pretty amusing – to us.

anyhoo so I am back to writing barrybadger. its been way too long and I am hoping that there are still some people who can laugh along with me, otherwise it is very similar to my day-to-day so please feel free to comment.


6 thoughts on “two and a bit versus forty plus….

  1. Ohhhh baby… is all I can say…have been there done that with one beautifully gorgeous 19 year old now… but the most dire Temper trantum throwing don’t care who’s watching me screaming head spining like Linda Blair at David Jones Brookvale at 3yo. Only to have been judged by every person in site as I said No Holly you cannot have a Telly Tubby to which the head banging and kicking reached an ear piercing level that I said under my very controlled breath.. said well Fark Yah I am done knock yourself out. It was 42 degrees I was wearing Glenns t shirt as I was 40 weeks pregnant (gave birthe to Gabe the following day I am sure brought on by our blessed 3yo satan..) so honey keep it coming for every one of your stories Holly can indeed match.. lol

    keep smiling its great now to have a strong teenage daughter whom has become the light of our lives… if you can make it through the first 16 years your good to go. Xxxx

    1. Thanks schicken! If little boss grows up to be like Holly we will be doubly blessed to have two gorgeous girls xx Thanks for commenting.

  2. Yes I used to cry because I wanted to go to bed yet our three used to cry because they didn’t want to go to bed.

    1. Haha and you’ve done it three times!! We are pretty lucky really….or maybe its forgetful….either way if I wasnt past my best we would probably have backed it up lol. Thanks for commenting xx

  3. Mika – this one is especially for you. (and are you getting emails via Gmail now ?)


    Subject: How to Put a Toddler to Bed in 100 Easy Steps

    1. Announce that it’s time to go to bed.

    2. Wait for your toddler to stop crying.

    3. Explain that bedtime is not a punishment.

    4. Explain that bedtime is not a new concept.

    5. Explain that, yes, bedtime will happen every night.

    6. Console your toddler.

    7. Announce that it’s still bedtime.

    8. Let your toddler know that we don’t call names in this house.

    9. Tell your toddler it’s time to go upstairs.

    10. Watch your toddler move at a snail’s pace.

    11. Wait for your toddler to stop crying.

    12. Pick up your toddler.

    13. Walk your toddler upstairs.

    14. Pick out the wrong pair of pyjamas for your toddler.

    15. Pick out another wrong pair of pyjamas for your toddler.

    16. Explain that the right pair of pyjamas are in the wash.

    17. Explain that you will not be doing a load of laundry this evening.

    18. Console your toddler while he/she cries.

    19 Explain that in this house we don’t call names.

    20. Watch your toddler struggle to get into his/her pyjamas.

    21. Ask your toddler if you can help.

    22. Continue watching your toddler struggle.

    23. Watch your toddler try to wear a pair of pants like a shirt.

    24. Console your toddler.

    25. Put the wrong pair of pyjamas on your toddler.

    26. Announce that it’s time to brush teeth.

    27. Explain the benefits of dental hygiene.

    28. Console your toddler.

    29. Carry your toddler into the bathroom.

    30. Put a microscopic amount of toothpaste (poison) onto the toddler toothbrush.

    31. Wet toothbrush.

    32. When your toddler opens his/her mouth 1/45th of an inch wide, attempt to clean teeth.

    33. Your toddler will attempt to spit in the sink, but will actually spit on the counter. Clean it up.

    34. Console your toddler.

    35. Ask your toddler to pick out two books.

    36. Toddler will pick out the two longest books in your home.

    37. Read the first line of every third page of the two books.

    38. Field unrelated questions and interruptions.

    39. Tell toddler it’s time for a good night kiss.

    40. Toddler will be suddenly and urgently thirsty, give toddler a small drink of water.

    41. Toddler will ask a question. Answer question.

    42. Say “good night” and kiss toddler.

    43. Toddler will ask for a hug. Hug toddler.

    44. Toddler will take up a sudden interest in potty training and ask to use the bathroom. It’s poop.

    45. Help toddler in the bathroom. Notice that there is no poop.

    46. Toddler may become afraid. Assure toddler that there is nothing to be afraid of.

    47. Toddler will ask a question about life. Answer question.

    48. Toddler will need another hug and kiss. Give hug and kiss.

    49. Toddler needs to urinate. Help toddler in the bathroom. Notice that toddler actually urinates.

    50. Toddler requires a sticker for urinating successfully.

    51. Put a sticker on toddler’s potty chart.

    52. Toddler may want to tell you a brief 10-minute story. Listen to story while backing out of the room.

    53. Turn off the light.

    54. Toddler remembers that he/she needs a special stuffed animal.

    55. Ask where the stuffed animal is.

    56. Toddler tells you it’s in the car. Find your keys and look in the car. It’s not there.

    57. Look in the living room.

    58. Look in the kitchen.

    59. Look in the backyard.

    60. Scout the neighbours’ property.

    61. Find the toy in your toddler’s room, under the bed.

    62. Ask toddler if he/she knew the toy was under their bed.

    63. Toddler will ask for dinner. Explain to toddler that dinner ended hours ago.

    64. Toddler will cry that he/she is hungry. Explain to toddler that he/she should have eaten said dinner.

    65. Explain that we do not call people in this house names.

    66. Toddler will ask for hug and kiss. Hug and kiss toddler.

    67. Toddler will ask you to help arrange his/her pillows and blankets. Arrange pillows and blankets.

    68. Toddler will ask you three essay questions. Answer them.

    69. Toddler will notice that the tag end of the blanket is next to his/her face and will kick it off. Fix blanket, this time with care and precision.

    70. Toddler will ask for the hall light on. Turn on the hall light.

    71. Toddler will ask for another story. Explain that there will be no more stories.

    72. Toddler will ask what the plan for tomorrow is. Resist the urge to say, “I won’t be here. I’m running away tonight.”

    73. Tell toddler “good night.”

    74. Toddler will say his/her back, legs or butt is itchy.

    75. At your discretion, try to relieve itchiness through lotion or wipes.

    76. Put toddler back in bed.

    77. Arrange blanket in the proper formation.

    78. Say good night.

    79. Toddler will say “good night.”

    80. As you reach the door, toddler will inform you that he/she is not wearing socks.

    81. Choose the wrong pair of socks for your toddler.

    82. Choose another wrong pair of socks for your toddler.

    83. Choose the right pair of socks for your toddler.

    84. Put the right pair of socks the wrong way on your toddler’s feet.

    85. Put the right pair of socks the wrong way on your toddler’s feet.

    86. Get the right pair of socks the right way on your toddler’s feet.

    87. Use your last thread of energy to stand.

    88. Say “good night.”

    89. Toddler will say “good night.”

    90. As you leave the room, toddler will ask for a sip of water with pathetic sad look on face.

    91. Give toddler sip of water and beg to be released from this Hades.

    92. Toddler will ask for a back rub/tapping.

    93. Tap toddler’s back until you lose feeling in your arm and your toddler seems tired.

    94. Slowly stop tapping. Stand up. Try to float out of the room.

    95. Toddler will look at you. Say, “it’s time to go to bed.”

    96. If toddler cries, pretend to be serious this time.

    97. Say “good night.”

    98. Act like you’re walking downstairs but just linger by the door, out of sight.

    99. Pray.

    100. Walk downstairs.

    You may now relax for 2-5 minutes before you’re called back in. Congrats!

    ( The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting is out in paperback April 22, 2014.)


    cheers from Holmesy

  4. My 43 year old “Holleigh” still can outdo Kenzie…lol You just have to stay 12 steps ahead of them…Johnny was and still is the opposite – he still goes to sleep in the dentist’s chair…I can see Kenzi’s antics in my mind’s eye because she has a talented story teller as a mother! Keep the posts coming – they bring back memories and make you laugh at the same time….xxxxx

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