colour me orange…

this week I lost my spray tan virginity. I now have orange feet, thankfully the weather in perth is shite so my newly sprayed feet will stay covered by shoes…what made me call the beautician and say “do you do spray tans”??? well it was my husband. see I don’t particularly like my legs and prefer to cover them up, usually with jeans – yes even if it is 42 degrees, they are that bad. Anyhoo Mr B has been urging me to wear shorts and suggested that I get a spray tan to make my very white legs look like they belong in shorts…so I stalled. we can’t afford it, what if it’s too dark, what if I go orange, it doesn’t last long, you have to keep getting it done were all tactics and excuses that I tried in order for him to agree that jeans were going to be okay for me. in the end he just said ring and book. so I did. and now I have orange feet. I look like a henna tattooist just coloured me in from the ankle down. even my toenails are orange. this was my fear. I will now be that woman who other women look at and say “ooooo bad spray tan sista”. I know this because I do this. I am usually the person watching people’s feet as they walk in front of me and seeing their orange feet wondering what would possess them to get a spray tan…well now I know. now for a lot of people if it’s behind them they don’t really get bothered by it like if the back of their hair didn’t get attention from the straightener, no worries. or if their new hipster jeans let loose a crack a plumber would be proud of when they sit down, who cares? well peeps I do. I care. I went to an RPM class once and would usually be early so I can get the bike at the back of the room. on this occasion I had to sit at the front so apologised to the people behind me for what they were about to see, I guarantee it wasn’t pretty. so now that I am sporting heels to make the oompa loompas want to give me a low five I definitely wont be wearing shorts. if only I had skin like Mr B or little boss…neither of them really need to be in the sun, in the shade while the sun is shining is enough for them to tan a lovely golden brown with no freckles in sight. if I joined all my freckles together I would probably have a nice tan…oh well at least its only my feet that are orange. the rest of me is a tan colour and the day after I felt as though I had lost 5kg…I hadn’t but looking in the mirror I remembered what an old friend once said….”tanned fat looks better than white fat” and right now I would have to agree. here’s hoping that in six months time there wont be much fat left so tanned, white or orange it wont matter. …


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