willy wonka delivers more gems of wisdom….

my obstetrician looks like gene wilder – complete with crazy curls and quirky personality – so I call him willy wonka. works perfectly for this blog so I don’t harm his reputation by naming and shaming. I am on weekly visits to willy wonka in the lead up to the big day and after yesterdays visit I really just wanted to get him to induce me and get it over with so I don’t have to go back for any of his “your vagina could fall out” positive gems. from my first visit it has been one worse case scenario after another at every visit – hang on there was one visit where he was flat stick and had them lining up out the door so he didn’t get the chance to tell me about the possibility of getting the head stuck. anyhoo given my age, which has come up so many times there is no chance of me hanging onto the thought that the forties are the new thirties, I had all the required testing however scotty and I had decided that if the scan for abnormalities came back as high risk that we wouldnt chance an amniocentesis so lucky for us I went into the scan at high risk – age being the only factor – and came out of it as low risk which was sensational news for us and for my besty who unfortunately did not get the good news for one of her babies. So I take my awesom results back to see willy wonka who cannot share in my joy and rather goes on to inform me of all the OTHER bad things that can happen at this time. he actually called me a show off…”well you’re a bit of a show of aren’t you”? at this point i got the feeling that he was hoping to be able to give me something to wipe the smug grin off my face….so  far we have run the gamut of things that can go wrong from birth defects, brain cysts and kidney problems to prolapsed vaginal walls, complications from natural birth, complications from caesarian birth and high blood pressure. one of my all time favourites was the discussion we had on the flu shot. I have never had the flu and have never had the flu shot and dont plan on starting anytime soon so I was fascinated when willy wonka sits me down and just says “so, flu shot, you had one” it wasn’t a question more like a put it on your to do list statement. I replied “no, and I dont intend to have one” whoa that threw him into such a spin he took four deep breaths before launching into his spiel about why I should have one….the WHO recommend all pregnant women have it, the health department have supplied them with heaps of it, the flu can be very dangerous to both the mother and the unborn child on and on. in the end I said if I tell you I will consider it will you be happy? he was, i didn’t. what I found most fascinating about it was during pregnancy you get bombarded with all the things you cant do no drinking, no smoking – ww told me its not the right time to take it up – no unwashed greens, no soft or mould ripened cheese and no pate. seriously taking blue cheese and red wine from me is like stripping a child of all his toys – for nine months. so the list of no can do’s is endless BUT what you can do is you can get someone to inject you with last years flu vaccine suspended in a formula of formaldehyde and chick embryo just in case you get that particular strain of the flu. cause that wont affect you or the baby, the WHO says, and there is no multi billion dollar contract at stake – they just really care about us pregnant gals health. I have more respect for the woman at sumo salad who served me one day and when I asked for the beetroot and feta salad blurted out “you cant eat that” food paranoia gone mad but she was so adorable looking out for me. I did tell her that you cant eat cheese made with unpasteurized milk products but in this country you would have to go seek these cheeses out – sumo salad are more into the mass produced variety, not so specialty.

early morning digression for me….so yesterday I visit wonks. I am shattered, usually I am up beat and ready for whatever he throws my way but yesterday I was done. no sleep, sore hips, sick of the freeway road works and the ticket machine closest to me was busted so I had to walk a mile for the next one and actually weighed up the cost of a fine versus the walk…so when wonks started manipulating my uterus to see how low the babies head was sitting I struggled not to yell at him to just use the f*!$ing ultrasound. now was not the time to go old school on me, plug in the toy, lube me up and say hi to myffyn. so he does, she is low and everything else looks “perfect” his word not mine. but before I can revel in the fact that everything looks perfect he adds….”but I had one last week who looked just like yours and after 12 hours of labour the baby still wouldn’t move, so they’re not out til they’re out” profound. so we sat in his room he asked me if I had any concerns, I said no I really wanted to say “for your safety”, then he told me that next week he will have a look at my cervix – I hope it performs – and depending on how that looks we may talk about inducing. now up to this point I have really wanted to see if nature will take its course, but honestly if I have to receive much more of his awesome uplifting gems of wisdom I will be opting for induction next friday. either that or start sticking pins in my eyes….

today is pedicure day and I just checked the website it’s $125 for a pedicure….does that come with a complimentary pair of havianas??? goodbye yellow toenails – the polish colour not the actual toenails – and hello….gothic purple/black.   


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